Despicable Brewers

I think it’s about time that we all embraced the evil.* The Milwaukee Brewers are my team and I will always love them, but they’re definitely on the “villain” side of the MLB spectrum. This can work. It worked for the Bad Boy Detroit pistons and it actually worked for the untuck ‘em Milwaukee Brewers just a few years ago.**  The Brewers have been the most successful when they’ve been showing up other teams with Beast Mode or celebrating the Jekyll and Hyde that is Nyjer Morgan/Tony Plush, one of the single most annoying players ever to play the game if he’s not on your team. It’s great to feel the joy that ensues when your team wins, but it can be almost as fun to wallow in schadenfreude when the other team loses to your team (especially if it’s the Cardinals) and the intensity of their suffering only increases as our own team becomes more insufferable to non-fans. In short, the more villains the Brewers have, the more enjoyable their winning can be. Let’s give in to the Dark Side together.

*Except for K-Rod. He’s not the fun kind of evil, he’s the kind of evil that makes the world a worse place.

**even if the very idea of getting offended by someone untucking their shirt is the stupidest thing in the history of the world. YES IT IS. Look, man, back off or I’ll UNTUCK MY SHIRT! See how stupid that sounds?

Gentlemen, welcome to the Evil Team of Evil.


Ryan Braun

He takes performance enhancing substances like Underdog* or Bane or Disney’s The Gummi Bears**. He lies to cover his tracks. He’s super strong and can somehow do this creepy upside-down smile which just has to be evil. He is roundly booed everywhere he goes and is so despised that even his own union sold him out. He is cocky beyond belief and can generally back it up. Losing on a walk-off to Ryan Braun must be completely soul-crushing. Just the way we like it.


*Underdog has the best theme song ever.

**You may argue that some of these are heroes, but they all take PEDs so they’re all obviously evil. Duh. 

Martin Maldonado

Over the past three days Martin Maldonado hit a baseball so hard he destroyed it, hit Travis Snider in the head so hard he destroyed it, and destroyed Jody Mercer on a questionable takeout slide. His twitter handle is @Machete1224 . He’s basically already a super villain.

Jerry Narron

Sure he seems like a mild-mannered guy with his lineup calligraphy, but as soon as a fight breaks out he’s getting in the umps face and getting tossed.Total wild card.

Jonathan Lucroy

Jonathan Lucroy is one of the best pitch framers in baseball. Basically he fools the umpire into calling more strikes for his pitchers than they deserve. This is just a step short of cheating and reminiscent of the mind-warping abilities of The Shadow.* Moreover, Machete1224 excels in this skill as well suggesting Lucroy has been spreading the dark arts.


*Who knows what strikes lurk just outside the zones of umpires? The Lucroy knows. Also, that is just a horrible movie, so I’ll just say we’re talking about the old radio shows.


Mark Reynolds

Every group of supervillains needs some indestructible muscle.

Scooter Gennett

Every group of supervillains needs a diminProfessor_Chaosutive toady to kick around.

Matt Garza

Matt Garza has evil-seeming facial hair and has gone on terribly ill-advised sexist twitter tirades against his opponent’s spouse. Also, bunting is his Kryptonite.

Carlos Gomez

Carlos Gomez plays super hard, loves making big plays, talks a ton of shit, starts fights, breaks bats over his knee, and genuinely annoys the piss out of a ton of opposing fans who call him “thug” as well as any number of other racist codewords. He taunts pitchers after he beats them and was once blocked from scoring on a home run by noted Aquaman* wannabe Brian McCann. This weekend Gerrit Cole told Carlos Gomez not to talk shit immediately after allowing him to hit a triple, yet most pundits seemed to think Gomez was preening inappropriately. Carlos Gomez is faster and stronger than everyone else, he can jump higher than anyone else, and he’s not afraid to tell you about it. If the Brewers have an anti-hero, it is Carlos Gomez.


*I’ve always found it amusing that Aquaman gets so much guf for being a lame superhero when the Marvel version of Aquaman, Namor the Submariner, is about a thousand times lamer. I suppose the main reason is that he’s simply not as well known as Marvel didn’t have anything like the Super Friends back in the day, so he escapes scrutiny. The main lesson is that water-based superheroes are incredibly lame, just like Brian McCann.

The national media and all opposing fans are going to call Braun a cheater and Gomez a thug, and that’s just how it’s going to be. The Brewers know this which is why they hired a puppy to be the face of the franchise. What do you think they’re trying to hide? You know who needs a puppy out in front? Brash, egotistical jerks, that’s who. They break the unwritten rules, they cheer their own home runs, they rub it in their opponent’s faces. They’re also really really fun if you’re a fan. I say we roll with it.

4 thoughts on “Despicable Brewers

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