The Brewers: A Major League Preview

Doug Melvin: Well if Ron’s gone, and I’m still the GM, who were you thinking about for manager?

Mark A: I was thinking about Lou Brown.


Spring Training

Lou: These guys hit a ton, how come nobody else picked up on them?

Doug: Duke, throw Juan a curveball.

Zach Duke: (Nods)


Lou Brown concerned.

Lou: I see.

Doug: Kyle, throw Mark a fastball.

Kyle: OK then.

Mark Reynolds:


Lou: Oooooooohkay. Son, why did you try to swing at that and not just get out of the way?

Mark: It looked like a strike.

Doug: And he’s probably the better hitter.

Lou: What about Davis here.

Doug: Oh, he can hit. No issues there.

Lou: So what’s his problem?

Doug: Khris! Hit the cutoff man!

Khris Davis: (Throws ball)

Ball: (flutter flutter flutter…bounce…………bounce……..bounce…..bounce…bounce..bounce.bounce.bounce)

Lou Brown concerned.

Khris Davis: (Runs up to ball, picks it up, throws again.)

Lou Brown: Can he play first base?

Doug Melvin: He cannot.

Lou Brown: Can he play left field?

Doug Melvin: Well, sort of.

Locker Room

Braun Locker

Brandon Kintzler: Ryan, what’s all that shit in your locker?

Ryan Braun: Antler powder, Vagisil, Oxygenated blood, any one of them will…

Brandon Kintzler: Wait, Vagisil?

Ryan Braun: …give you 5-10 more MPH off the bat. Got them from my buddy in Miami…

Brandon Kintzler:  But Vagi….

Ryan Braun: They’re doctors and everything.

Brandon Kintzler: Ryan, I think someone might be having some fun with you.

Ryan Braun: We’re not all young kids Brandon. When you get to be my age you need to use any edge you can get. Some day you will too.

Brandon: Yeah, probably not on the Vagisil.

Back Outside

Rickie Weeks: Lou, I want to talk to you. My contract specifically says I do not have to do any calisthenics I feel are unnecessary.

Rickie-Lou-BrownLou: And by the looks of things you’ve been diligent about exercising that clause.

Rickie: (Speechless)

Lou: Look Rickie, if you don’t start getting to more balls or at least hitting, I’m going to have to go another direction. Kid, get Rickie a bat.

Scooter Gennett: I’m not a bat boy sir.


Lou: Sure kid, what’s your name?

Scooter Gennett: Scooter.

Lou: Can we get this kid a jersey with “Scooter” on the back? We got one for that dog. I like this kid.

Scooter: I already have a jersey with my last name on it. I play 2nd base! I’m competing with Rickie.

Lou: Kid, I hope Rickie plays another ten years so that when you’re twenty-one you can realize that dream.

Pitching Practice


Johnny Hellweg



Lou Brown concerned.

Lou: Where have you been pitching?


K-rod: Florida penal league.

Doug: So, can you work with this?


Lou: My kind of team Dougie.  My kind of team

May 15th, 2014


Uecker: Just a reminder, fans, comin’ up is our “Die-hard Night” here at the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Brewers won a pennant.

Pitching for the Brewers is their #5 starter, his name is…uh, looking…ah Christ I can’t find it. To hell with it.

2 thoughts on “The Brewers: A Major League Preview

  1. Does anyone remember the blog that did posts like these in 2011? Yuni, Counsell, picking on Josh Wilson (no one knowing he’s on the team was a running gag).

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